Why We Drift From Friends When We Start Dating (And How to Fix It)

There’s a familiar pattern many of us recognise, even if we don’t always admit it.

A new relationship begins, everything feels exciting, all-consuming, and suddenly the group chat goes quiet. Plans get postponed, messages go unanswered, and friendships—once effortless—start to slip into the background.

It’s not intentional. But it is happening.

And according to new data, it might be more common than we think.

The Rise of “Friendship Romance”

Over the past year, there’s been a noticeable shift in how we talk about friendships. Searches for terms like “Palentine’s Day”, “Galentine’s gifts” and even “friendiversary cards” have surged, suggesting we’re placing more emotional value on our platonic relationships than ever before.

On the surface, it feels like progress.

But there’s a contradiction.

Despite this growing cultural emphasis on friendship, research shows that 22% of Brits say their friends make less effort once they enter a romantic relationship. In other words, while we’re celebrating friendships more publicly, we may still be neglecting them privately.

Why It Happens (And Why It’s So Easy to Miss)

Relationship expert Sophie Personne puts it simply: friendships and romantic relationships serve completely different roles in our lives.

“Long-term friendships are built on shared history, values and experiences,” she explains. “They offer stability, loyalty and a sense of familiarity that doesn’t come with the same expectations as romantic relationships.”

And that’s exactly where the problem lies.

Because friendships often feel more secure, we assume they’ll always be there. That assumption, combined with busy schedules, work, family and the emotional intensity of a new relationship, means friendships are often the first thing to quietly take a step back.

“It’s not that people stop caring,” Sophie says. “It’s that they stop showing up.”

The Quiet Cost of Not Showing Up

Unlike romantic relationships, friendships rarely come with clear milestones or expectations. There’s no anniversary pressure, no cultural script reminding you to check in.

Which means they’re easy to overlook.

But over time, small gaps turn into distance. Messages become less frequent. Catch-ups become occasional. And eventually, what once felt effortless starts to feel like effort.

The irony? These are often the relationships that ground us the most.

Why Friendships Matter More Than We Think

Long-term friendships offer something uniquely valuable: perspective.

They’ve seen you through different stages of life. They know who you were before your current relationship, your current job, your current version of yourself. There’s a comfort in that kind of connection that can’t be replicated elsewhere.

“They’ve seen each other at their worst,” Sophie explains, “and that creates a deeper level of understanding and acceptance.”

In a world that’s constantly shifting, that kind of emotional anchor matters.

How to Keep Your Friendships Strong (Even When Life Gets Busy)

The solution isn’t dramatic. In fact, it’s surprisingly simple.

It’s about consistency, not intensity.

A quick message. A voice note. A shared meme. A coffee when you can manage it.

“It doesn’t need to be long or deep,” Sophie says. “It just needs to show that you care.”

And sometimes, that means being intentional—scheduling time with friends the same way you would anything else important.

What Balance Actually Looks Like in Real Life

For Fiona Robinson, who has balanced a 32-year marriage alongside a 55-year friendship, the answer isn’t about choosing one over the other—it’s about understanding their differences.

“With friends, it’s about staying in touch,” she says. “Even a quick text can make all the difference.”

Her approach is refreshingly realistic: not every connection needs constant face-to-face time. What matters is maintaining a sense of presence in each other’s lives.

At the same time, she emphasises the importance of independence within romantic relationships—having your own interests, your own space, and your own relationships outside of your partner.

Because ultimately, the strongest relationships—romantic or otherwise—are the ones that allow you to remain yourself.

A Small Shift That Makes a Big Difference

We don’t need to overhaul our lives to be better friends.

We just need to notice.

To recognise when we’ve gone quiet. To send the message we’ve been meaning to send. To show up, even in small ways.

Because while relationships may evolve, the people who’ve been there all along are often the ones worth holding onto the most.

And sometimes, the strongest connections don’t need grand gestures—just a reminder that they still matter.

Research and insights: thortful, with expert commentary from Sophie Personne

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